hello my joyful friends,
Putting pen to paper again. I’m in a contemplative mood today. In my previous two posts, as in life, I tend to joke or tell “funny” stories to avoid talking about serious things. Truth be told, my back pain led to a major crisis of consciousness, a realization that something I had spend most of my adult life doing was no longer working for me. The definition of insanity is “doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.” That was me.
What happened that day is really irrelevant. You kind of had to be there, you had to live it. As with most crises, it required a change on my part. For me, change is a four letter word. I prefer it never be uttered in reference to me. I like routine; I like things to be the same all the time. I have lived in the same house for almost 30 years, have had the same job for over 30 years, and always buy my cars new. I’m obviously not much of an adventurer. I don’t “fly by the seat of my pants”. I fly by making reservations after much thought, knowing where I am going, knowing I have reservations at a comfortable hotel with air conditioning when I get there.
So, this “crisis”, required me to stop trying to change someone into what I thought they should be. It meant accepting wholeheartedly that this person wasn’t going to change. Nothing I could do, say, suggest, demand, recommend, encourage, request, insist on, was going to get this person to change into the person I thought they should be. How totally self-centered is that? Who am I to demand someone be other than who they are? The event that precipitated my “crisis” also prompted this person to ask me not to contact them anymore. They needed space, time. And, apparently, the thing I had not been able to do on my own, separate from this person, had been done for me.
But, what now? This was a person I was very close to. Should I be sad? Should I be happy? So, what happened next? A spiritual awakening. I had, “hit bottom” with my insane behavior. Alcoholics do this. They try over and over to quit drinking without success, the insanity, and some, the lucky ones, hit bottom. Some calamity, the loss of a job, the request for a divorce from a spouse, a DUI, or worse. This is the “a ha” moment for them. The moment they realize that they are powerless over alcohol and their life is unmanageable. Many have a spiritual awakening. Many are able to quit drinking and stay quit. Staying quit is the hard part.
So, how was I going to “stay quit”? How was I going to give up this life long (no joke) quest to create the perfect Mother? This, my joyful friends, is no laughing matter.
ta ta for now,
spark: something burning that flies out of a fire